It is amazingly strange how everything can change in few seconds, bad mood becomes good mood, and life can get a more spicy twist just by living it.
There is a smile I love, and this lyric got stuck in my head: "when I think of heaven I think of you". Now heaven has a face and a soul, and this soul managed to make me go to sleep smiling last night. What I am keeping from yesterday is that feeling good is a state of mind that people around you can help maintain. If they play against you then you should stop trying to keep them - just let go. I am letting go and this time it does not hurt. Yesterday I decided to let go of one and opened the door to that wonderful smile.
For a change I know what I want - I want heaven. I am almost in harmony and will soon allow myself to enter, the gate is open.
People here only talk to people they know. It is not normal for people to talk to other people in bars or coffee shops unless they know them. If you do try to talk to them they think you are either mad or hitting on them. Doesn't that feel lonely or boring? Is it invasion of their private space? I remember reading a book about human geography explaining how the density of the population also predicts the personal space of interaction of humans. But here there is something more than that. It has to do with how important we think we are, or how important we would like to be.
Everytime I go to buy something I try to chat with the people, and everybody is shocked because they don't know me, so they don't expect someone they don't know to be polite and chatty and smile to them. It feels weird at first but I love the smile on their faces when I leave.
Other than that, these days I am reflecting and I like it, I need it. Same mistake again, but this time I know what I want, I know who I am, and what makes me be in harmony. I am responsible for my own mistakes, and my own feelings - not for other peoples'.
All it takes is a word from someone you really love to make you feel bad, or smile from someone you don't really know to make your heart beat faster. Tonight I will sleep well and allow my brain to rest and think of that smile. It is pulling me out from inside, I am ready and fine.
Γράφω για να σκεφτώ. Ο εγκέφαλος μου είναι συνεχώς σε διαδικασία μη σκέψης τούτες τις μέρες. Καταφέρνω να τον βάλω σε νάρκη. Καταφέρνω να σιωπήσω τη διαίσθηση μου που πάντα λέει την αλήθεια. Πάω παντού, μιλώ με όλους και όπου πάω περνώ καλά. Σχεδόν πάντα όπου πάω είμαι εκεί, και το αλλού το αφήνω αλλού. Εν τούτο το σχεδόν πάντα που με ανησυχεί όμως.
Βρήκα άτομα που με διεκδικούν και ξέρουν τι θέλουν από εμένα. Πάντα είχα τούτο το παράπονο ότι επιλέγω άτομα που δεν με διεκδικούν και είναι συγχυσμένα. Τωρά που τα βρήκα που είμαι; Μήπως πρέπει να σταματήσω να είμαι κάπου ανάμεσα στο αλλού και στο εδώ και να αποφασίσω ότι όσοι δεν με διεκδικούν δεν θα με διεκδικίσουν;
I have done all the mainstream things I could in Cyprus just in two weeks. Things I never did before. I had lots of fun, enjoyed every moment! But I am not sure that the other people are enjoying it. For example why do you go clubbing if you just intend to stand in a corner, smoking, drinking and looking at people without interacting? Why do you have to be "plastic", with silicon boobs, perfectly straight hair, erase the smile from your face and go out? Why do you have to be perfectly dressed, with your very tight jeans and shirt just to go out in the 40 Celsius? Am i just having fun because I am living the mainstream life in a non mainstream way? What is mainstream really?
Well, on another note I enjoyed my night out at a gay club. Everybody was dancing like crazy, happy, cool people. And my friend was very happy we decided to join him.
Tonight is culture night...hope it is not disappointing.
Update:
Ωραία η παράσταση από το Εθνικό Θέατρο Ελλάδας χτες το βράδι (Άλκηστης). Σκηνοθετικά τουλάχιστον και μουσικά με ενθουσίασε, αρκετά ψαγμένη. Από ερμηνείες πάλι ήταν μέτρια.
I have realized these days how easy it is for people to mis-communicate. There is a huge gap between what you say and the kind of meanings created in the other person's head. Two completely opposite worlds: black/white, love/friendship, yes/no. So I have decided to simply trust my intuition, people's body language and their actions. All indirect messages are forwarded to another universe that I do not intend to visit soon. Now I am into simple uncomplicated life.
Other than that life is good, spirit is high and I need some sleep...
